


FML: Resident Evil Edition

by willowoftheriver



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse), Resident Evil - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Embarrassment, Epic Fail, F/M, FML, Gen, Humor, M/M, and does anyone even remember dead aim?, look at all those characters who only appear for a minute, oh well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2018-01-16 17:01:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1354978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowoftheriver/pseuds/willowoftheriver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because there are just so many unpleasant moments to be had when performing mad science, working for evil corporations, and fighting the infected hordes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	FML: Resident Evil Edition

Today, my boss told me that I am not and never will be as intelligent or accomplished as my daughter. She’s _ten_. FML

–      kids – by Alexander – Antarctica (Umbrella Base)

 

 

Today, I discovered that the best outfit to wear when escaping from a zombie infested city is not a tube top and a mini skirt. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Jill – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I realized that whenever I blackout, I spend the missing time crossdressing. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Alfred – South Pacific Ocean (Rockfort Island)

 

 

Today, I learned the hard way to never trust men who dress and sound like Emperor Palpatine. I’m now a member of a cult that mainly recruits via mind control, practices human sacrifice, and has almost universally bad hygiene. FML

–      work – by Luis – Spain (El Pueblo)

 

 

Today, I found that infecting myself with a malevolent parasite will not make me any taller. Just ugly. FML

–      health – by Ramon – Spain (El Castillo)

 

 

Today, I was shot approximately five hundred times by the assassins sent by my boss to steal my research. Then, as I laid there on the floor hemorrhaging and in agony, my wife came in, only to immediately leave again to supposedly get something to treat my ‘ _wound’_. FML

–      health – by William – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I infected myself with a bioweapon. It turned me into a drag queen. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Morpheus – Atlantic Ocean (The Spencer Rain)

 

 

Today, my father said, “I love you” to a vial of a bioweapon. He’s never said the same thing to me. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Sherry– United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I projectile vomited live leeches. FML

–      health – by James – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I woke up with a hangover, was late to my first day of work, had my new boss draw a gun on me, and found out my welcoming party was canceled thanks to zombies. FML

–      work – by Leon – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I got my ass handed to me by a small woman armed with only a combat knife. I’m twice her size, a former soldier, and was armed with a blade literally the size of my arm. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Jack – Spain (La Isla)

 

 

Today, I met the man of my dreams. We’re absolutely perfect for each other, and we make a great team, even in really stressful situations. We could have a really bright future, if he wasn’t currently on the lam. FML

–      love – by Rebecca - United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I discovered that if I get a cut and start to bleed, I might accidently end up setting someone on fire. FML

–      health – by Manuela – Amparo (Mixcoatl)

 

 

Today, I found out that no one loves you when you’re a deformed bioorganic weapon, not even other bioorganic weapons who managed to keep their looks intact. When I tried to tell him I liked him, he accused me of stalking him and pinned me under a chandelier. FML

–      love – by Lisa – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I looked in the mirror and realized that I could be the identical twin of Grigori Rasputin, if it weren’t for my red glass eye. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Bitores– Spain (El Pueblo)

 

 

Today, I learned that I should not leave long notes detailing my plans out in plain view when an American agent is running wild through my property, unless I want them all completely ruined. FML

–      work – by Osmund – Spain (La Isla)

 

 

Today, at twenty years old, I finally had my first orgasm. It was caused by radiation running through my body to remove a parasite from my chest, and a man I barely know watched the whole thing. FML

–      intimacy – by Ashley – Spain (La Isla)

 

 

Today, I was in both a helicopter crash and a train crash within the span of a couple of hours. It was my first day of work, and it turns out my new boss orchestrated both of them. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Rebecca – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I discovered I have an obsessed stalker who thinks we’re destined to be together. It’s my twin brother. FML

–      love – by Alexia – Antarctica (Umbrella Base)

 

 

Today, I was almost crushed to death by a lowering ceiling. The only thing my rescuer said to me afterwards was, “You were almost a Jill sandwich!” FML

–      miscellaneous – by Jill – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I took a bullet for a woman who immediately left me to lie there unconscious and bleeding in the sewer. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Leon – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I got bitten by an extremely large snake. Then, I got attacked by an extremely large shark. FML

–      animals – by Richard – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, one of my coworkers nicknamed me “The Master of Unlocking.” FML

–      work – by Jill – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, someone called me an ‘old man’. The person who did so was older than me, and I’m only twenty. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Ramon – Spain (El Castillo)

 

 

Today, I was overpowered, tied up, and experimented on by my children. I’m a grown man. They’re twelve. FML

–      kids – by Alexander – Antarctica (Umbrella Base)

 

 

Today, I walked in on one of my coworkers playing an extremely butchered, virtually unrecognizable version of the Moonlight Sonata. I then gave it a try and did pretty good, only hitting a few off-key notes. But when I was done, my coworker asked, very condescendingly, “What was _that_?” FML

–      work – by Rebecca – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I walked into a room and was immediately hit in the eyes with bug spray, which one of my coworkers was using as a weapon. FML

–      health – by Chris – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I was set on fire multiple times, bitch slapped by a mutant, and had an entire load of steel rebar dropped on my head. FML

–      health – by Albert – Antarctica (Umbrella Base)

 

 

Today, I discovered that, despite what the Japanese seem to think, getting up close and personal with tentacles is not fun. FML

–      health – by Luis – Spain (El Castillo)

 

 

Today, as I was lecturing the American swine about the overuse of the word terrorism, he interrupted me by throwing a knife into the palm of my hand. FML

–      health – by Ramon – Spain (El Castillo)

 

 

Today, my private jet crashed into the side of an active volcano, and I caught fire. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Albert – West Africa (Kijuju Autonomous Zone)

 

 

Today, I was kidnapped. My father only sent one man to rescue me, when he has a whole army at his disposal. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Ashley – Spain (El Pueblo)

 

 

Today, a woman told me she would rather go back to a country whose government tried to kill her than be with me. FML

–      love – by Bruce – Atlantic Ocean (Inflatable raft)

 

 

Today, I learned that no matter how large of a chainsaw you have, you are no match for a shotgun. FML

–      work – by Salvador – Spain (El Pueblo)

 

 

Today, despite being armed with a grenade launcher, I was overpowered by a flock of crows. FML

–      animals – by Forest – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I was chased through a mansion by a zombie strapped with grenades. I couldn’t shoot him, or I would blow myself up. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Chris – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I discovered that accepting bribes from a company producing bioweapons never turns out well, especially when those bioweapons create zombies as a side effect. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Brian – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I got lost in a mansion I designed. FML

–      miscellaneous – by George – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my older brother. They promptly got into a fistfight when he said, disapprovingly, that my boyfriend looked like a “man-whore.” FML

–      love – by Claire – United States (District of Columbia)

 

 

Today, I had to remove a ring from the finger of a dead man who fell out of a cryogenic incubator wearing makeup. FML

–      work – by Chris – Antarctica (Umbrella Base)

 

 

Today, I realized my only friend is a computer, which I’ve named. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Sergei – Russia (Caucasus)

 

 

Today, I forgot the name of the BOW I sent after the American pig. To cover, I pretended its name was ‘It’. FML

–      work – by Osmund – Spain (La Isla)

 

 

Today, I almost lost my job to a ten year old girl. FML

–      work – by William – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I floated unconscious for around a half and hour almost entirely submerged in raw sewage. Then I fell through a drainage gate into a pile of trash, where I remained for some time, again unconscious. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Sherry – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I was vomited on by a giant insect. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Leon – Spain (El Castillo)

 

 

Today, I learned that helicopter pilots never fare well in zombie-survival type situations. FML

–      work – by Doug – West Africa (Kijuju Autonomous Zone)

 

 

Today, I was almost tentacle raped by a giant, bloodsucking plant. Twice. FML

–      work – by Chris – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I became the mother of my own great-great-great-great grandchildren, all because one of my descendants decided to get creepy with his genetic experiments. FML

–      kids – by Veronica – Antarctica (Umbrella Base)

 

 

Today, in the presence of the first woman I’ve even seen in over a year, I had to quickly think of a witty, Buffy the Vampire Slayer-esque one liner as I vanquished the big bad. The best thing I was able to come up with? “Hey Queenie! Feast on this!” FML

–      miscellaneous – by Billy – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, I turned into Godzilla. FML

–      miscellaneous – by Steve – Antarctica (Umbrella Base)

 

 

Today, my coworkers got together and nicknamed me “Chickenheart”. FML

–      work – by Brad – United States (Raccoon City)

 

 

Today, my boss broached the subject of me ‘roleplaying’ as a woman that rejected him several years ago who he’s still not over. FML

-       work – by Carla – United States (Tall Oaks)

 

 

Today, despite the hours I spent painstakingly cutting the leg out of my wetsuit, no one commented on my sexy leg. FML

-       miscellaneous – by Jessica – Mediterranean Sea (the Queen Zenobia)

 

 

Today, my employers sent me on ‘vacation’ to a third world country where I ended up having to fight for my life. This is not the first time. FML

-       work – by Leon – Eastern Europe (the Eastern Slav Republic)

 

 

Today, I was rescued from a sinking ship by a handsome man I’ve liked for a year. He promptly abandoned me in a life raft in the middle of the ocean, and I haven’t heard from him since. FML

-       love – by Parker – Mediterranean Sea (Inflatable raft)

 

 

Today, I turned into sentient white out. FML

-       miscellaneous – by Carla – China

 

 

Today, I discovered I have such horrible aim that I can’t land a shot even with a laser sight. FML

-      miscellaneous – by Alfred – Antarctica (Umbrella Base)

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another thing that's stagnated on my computer for a really long time. I think I started trying to come up with them when I was sick in bed one day and it just kind of kept on from there. :)


End file.
